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Wizards Give A Shit!

by The Polyjuice Commotion

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1.
You may wish to appear stylish and debonair When you step out for a leisurely stroll But you might happen to seem old-fashioned If you're still shitting your robes Using the bathroom for poos and pees A sign of discernment, so current and chic Whether they're taking a dump or a leak The connoisseur takes it where no-one can see If your comportment is cultured and modern Then you'll be acknowledged as the talk of the town But passé and quaint is the picture you'll paint When you grunt one out in the lounge Using the bathroom for poos and pees Splendido in Rome, à la mode in Paris Why the fuck do we even need To sell this idea to you? Just use the bathroom for pees and poos
2.
I woke up at 5 am For my job at the ministry Brushed my teeth and combed my hair Ate breakfast and walked out into the street There was I time when I’d prefer to fly But the day is new and I think I’m going to try Taking the toilets Taking the toilets Taking the toilets to work today I passed by the muggle shops Saw a cat looking out a window didn’t look both was and almost got crushed By a London Transit double deck but I Followed the signs to the public toilet Don’t know why but I think I’m goin to enjoy it I’m taking the toilet to work today I stand before the basin And I put my feet in it Pulled the lever it flushes me down And I am there in a minute I get to To games department I walk into the office Check for any new messages I take of my coat and drop it I ask for a towel because I’m feeling wet I guess I guess my friends that’s what your gonna get When you take the toilets to work one day That’s why I’m never taking the toilet Taking the toilets Taking the toilets to work again
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There comes a time in every wizard's life A certain passage from Hogwarts, A History makes the rounds And the students wonder, "How?" And the students are thankful now For new construction Correct the original architect New construction Bathrooms accessible No scourgify, no tergeo We'll use the bathrooms when we go
5.
my lungs have had it's last air they have been sucked dry from your stare and my insides are bleeding , it's a mess soaked right through my hollow chest and my stomach is burning with my heart constantly yearing to be freed from this tight hold that has me captive and won't let go please let me breathe please let me free from all this tyriany i will not break a lot is at stake i feel that i am dead already my head is pounding, and someones is at the door it's my mind come back to me letting me know that I'm not crazy please let me see my injuries on the inside of me the cuts run deep in my veins and the blood is making dark red stains enough is enough im leaving now, im leaving now just let me go in peace i promise i will do nothing so i am cut up and cut down all this blood i think i can drown I cannot see the moon or stars the nighttime is gone and I am scarred please let me breathe please let me free from all this tyriany i will not break a lot is at stake i feel that i am dead already
6.
Double detention again Just cuz of the bathroom that I walked in It's not my fault I tried to say That you don't got toilets for a they Now I'm up on the top floor wandering Don't care bout the time I'm squandering Just pondering this tapestry That I've passed two times and now it's three Barnabus just wanted those trolls to dance Then the whole wizard world just looked askance So I feel kinship when I see his grin Defiant despite no chance to win They called him barmy, told me to make up my mind Just based on the places I park my behind But let me remind - you wizards shouldn't talk If we just rewind and turn back the clock You fools used to shit wherever you please Just squat and pop out a log with ease And then you have the audacity To regulate where I get to pee? So I’m mulling this when suddenly I hear a grinding sound behind of me So I turn around and am shocked to see the best bathroom in history a safe space, where I can be pissin a safe space, thats what ive been given a safe space, so my worries will cease a safe space, so I can poop in peace There’s a full-stocked makeup cabinet Potions when you just ain’t havin’ it What the toilets’ like? All i gotta say Is you can’t go back once you’ve gone bidet But its so much more, the room of my dreams So I pinch myself, but it really seems That right when I ran out of spoons to give I might have just found a new place to live? So they call it the room of requirement But it seems that yall don’t require shit Why does privilege always equal hogging? This room’s for more than just your snogging but i got plans for its potential Because my wants are needs essential Put an end to hope and fear and consider how to disappear a safe space, where I can be livin’ a safe space, thats what ive been given a safe space, just a chance to start fresh a safe space, so I can wear a dress grab my suitcase and pack up my cute clothes pack up my stockings and pack up my pink robes pack up my rompers and pack up my long skirts pack up my short ones; plus underwear, thongs, shirts i pack ‘em all up then I get to dippin’ first I pack up my fears so my nerve’s not slippin Make sure im prepared for every weather See ya on the seventh floor or see ya never It's my safe space, where I can be livin’ My own safe space, thats what ive been given a safe space, just a chance to start fresh a safe space, so I can wear a dress a safe space, where I can be pissin a safe space, thats what ive been given a safe space, so my worries will cease a safe space, so I can just poop in peace
7.
I had too much pumpkin juice at breakfast today Now I gotta take a giant freaking leak OK Ain't got no bathrooms here at the Hogwarts School Even though Romans figured that shit out a thousand years ago, cool... Pissing in the Hogwarts halls is fun Just vanish it all away when you're done Not bothering with pants under my robes Cause when you gotta go, man you gotta go! Don't piss in the halls - the smell is freakin' rank Don't poop in the halls - that crap should go in a tank Don't piss in the halls - I don't care if you can vanish that lump Don't poop in the halls - I don't wanna see you take a dump
8.
Last year I went to visit the Bielefeld School of Wizardry Said goodbye to Hogwarts and took a boat to Germany All the German teachers really took good care of me They showed me the city that’s not there in reality And on the streets I saw Small piles in rainbow colors And when I asked the locals They said that this is Einhornscheiße Einhornscheiße – yellow, red and blue Einhornscheiße Einhornscheiße The Germans taught me potions The Germans taught me German spells They explained the rainbow piles and their sweet and pungent smells The city and its unicorns are banished from reality Since that magic accident at the Bielefeld School of Wizardry Still the unicorns produce Small piles of rainbow colors And when you step on them Your foot is stuck in Einhornscheiße Einhornscheiße – yellow, red and blue Einhornscheiße Einhornscheiße Einhornscheiße Einhornscheiße – yellow, red and blue Einhornscheiße Einhornscheiße Einhornscheiße Einhornscheiße – green and orange, too Einhornscheiße Einhornscheiße
9.
a new dark force of different variety coming for the bigots in our society laughter helps to cope with this shit let me tell you some things right quick one, I give no fucks about death eater scum two, a big fuck you to Voldemort too three, I’m down for a fight, ask my crew it’s true I got something to do address all the wizard and witches they don’t need to shit their britches it’s genius, you don’t want to miss this if you gotta grievance, just give this try the sensation, sweeping the nation we gripping edges of toilet seats, Voldy full of shit, he’s constipated concentrated, who know who? nah thude’s its u no poo makes you turn purple in the face, no farts, shits, just tummy earthquakes make you squirm, got monster belly aches your body begins to feel betrayed makes your butthole eventually burst dehydrated, nothing to quench your thirst pretty sure that you got cursed by that Gryffindor, or just this verse eating anything makes you feel worse probably should go see the nurse need relief, see pomfrey promptly from grief, like a wizard zombie it’s stirring in my gut, all swampy feelin gross, sick, lookin sloppy all backed up in my body cmon don’t puke on whompy gotta make it to the potty get the fuck out of my way Parvati
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Right out the gate you know I'm blasting Got no belt that needs unfastning Must admit, it's quite entrancing When I How I poop so good? It's no malarkey Mostly fiber and food that's starchy And oh yeah - I'm the final Archie YES I Archies not my first name, it's the last pureblood line known for big bombast And one more thing hidden in the past It's our Every serious scholar gladly admits And the historical record firmly insists That the Archie lineage produced the best shits We See, ever since the olden days No wizards were withholding praise Which only caused emboldened ways Of And even though the times have changed My noble lineage has arranged Through generations it’s been exchanged!: Our creed: Our way of life depends On ignoring fashion and hygiene trends And being allies to our enby friends I All over any transphobic asswipes Who dictate where you unclog your tailpipe I just blast em with my colostomy bagpipe Like Shout outs to Audrey Hepburn and Eartha Kitt Dick Dale, Charles Schultz, and Farah Fawcett But not Ronald Reagan - he can eat my shit Yeah, Ronald Reagan can eat my shit Get down on his knees and eat my whole shit About the aids crisis he gave not shits So ronald fucking reagan can eat my shit I wore a dress at the Q dub C and My junk never felt more free and I did it just to feel the breeze And I proudly took a shit for every goal Even krum was impressed by my bowel control So remember these virtues I always extole: Our creed: Our way of life depends On ignoring fashion and hygiene trends And being allies to our enby friends I All over any transphobic asswipes Who dictate where you unclog your tailpipe I just blast em with my colostomy bagpipe Like Our creed: Our way of life depends On ignoring fashion and hygiene trends And being allies to our enby friends I All over any transphobic asswipes Who dictate where you unclog your tailpipe I just blast em with my colostomy bagpipe Like Its okay to poop on a nazi
14.

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14+ awesome wizard rock songs all about poop for your listening pleasure! All proceeds are split between the TransActive Gender Center and the Colorectal Cancer Alliance.

Artwork by @fragbait313

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released March 31, 2019

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The Polyjuice Commotion Portland, Oregon

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